CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY

Not that anyone reads this, but I'm bored, I can't finish the short story I was working on, and did I mention I was bored?

So I'm sitting here listening to a ginormous playlist of Type O Negative (which for me is all of their albums except for Origin Of The Feces and The Best Of, because A] I don't like live albums, even if they faked it in the most awesome way, and B], I ; and I'd probably disagree with the selections for the "Best Of" because I tend to think the song I'm listening to at the time is the best.  Well, maybe not Misinterpretation Of Silence And Its Disastrous Consequences, because while I love the humor of that track, I want to hear Pete sing in his deliciously smoldering voice, okie-doke?) if you have never heard Type O Negative, you must slap yourself with a shoe, because they're the freakin' Beatles of modern rock and--well, more like Gothic metal, or maybe a little bit pop--um.  Actually, I have no idea what genre they are.  They don't really fit into one, although there's definitely a lot of metal going on.
No, no, wait.  Type O Negative is the genre of AWESOME.  Ok, there, genre crisis averted.  YAY
And no offense if you like the Beatles.  I never really sat down and listened to them, so I don't really find them marvelous.  But for people like me who go absolutely mad about sexy men singing incredibly good music, there is Type O Negative.  'Course, I'm a bit biased, because the first time I saw a picture of Peter Steele, I didn't even know it was him (unlabeled .jpg) but thought, "That is one of the more attractive men I have ever seen in my entire life."  Of course then, I eventually found out about, well, pretty much everything I could about him.  Uh, mostly because someone linked me to a site with the Playgirl pics from August '95.  (Clean cover pic, no nudie, I promise.  You can Google Image search for that yourself, hons.)  May I just say, I am a total sucker for a huge guy.  And there is NO pun there.  I like tall men, especially when they have that long square face, that nice kind of long lovely body that isn't too muscly nor too skinny, and gloriously intense eyes.  And those lips!  Yeehaw. 

I should stop now, right?  I should probably stop.  But he's so hot, you know--even pushing 50 at this point and still partying quite hard (not good for his health, and yes I worry because I am one of those overly sentimental people).

And he does seem really sweet and decent and that so hard to find in a guy nowadays because they just don't raise them with manners like they used to and yes I'm shutting up about Type O now especially because I don't really even know what the other guys' names are or what they do which is quite bad of me although I do know what Kenny Hickey does because he plays guitar and Pete goes "Kenny!" in Unsuccessfully Coping With the Natural Beauty of Infidelity, which sets off this really nice guitar lick or solo or whatever it's called and ok NOW I'm shutting up about how really fantastic Type O is although I do have to point out that the song September Sun off their new album Dead Again sounds gorgeous and you've got to hear it and Cinnamon Girl and Pyretta Blaze too because those are top two favorites oh and then there's Christian Woman and Love You To Death and NOW I AM DONE I PROMISE (for now).

...Longest sentence ever.


Anyway, so the last time I logged into LJ, I posted on one of the ExMormon club/community things.

The really interesting thing about that time was that I pretty much had moved on from all the anger and hurt (mostly).  It wasn't that the community helped me, in the sense that they talked me through it (ok, so there was some of that, and I thank them), but more that I got tired of flagellating myself (metaphorically, of course) for being an ExMormon.
Now, leaving the LDS church isn't generally a picnic for some people, and it wasn't really marvelous for me since they did the "it's an ecclesiastical matter" thing with me, which was pretty annoying but standard.  A lot of the people I grew up around have sort of faded away, which is of course a very sad thing, but to be expected since I'm not seeing them every week.  And yes, I have considered keeping in touch, but at this point, there's actually so few people that would want to keep up the friendship (my mom and I were the freaks of the ward, mmk?) that I don't really know exactly which ones to call.  Granted, that's a complete cop-out, because I could simply go with trial and error.  I know this, you don't need to point it out.

Anyway, I did try dating a Mormon guy.  That did not go well, to put it mildly.  Uh, I think I attract horny jerks.  Granted, all guys my age have a libido that won't quit, but I'm talking about a seriously manipulative prick here.  I did learn something from him, though: Girls, no matter how "safe" he seems, if he's talking to another guy and you're right there doing nothing, do not just let your mind drift.  Pay attention to what he's saying, how he says it, and how the other person reacts.  Here's what happened:

Guy: "So we're (he and his mother) are staying outdoors at [Camping Site].  Want to see later on?  You know, before you go home and all.  We've got a nice fire spot."
Me: *loves camping* "Sounds cool!  I'd love to see the setup y'all have."

(Later that day)

Church dude: "So Mary, are you going on the ward camping trip tonight?"
Guy: "Mary's camping out with me tonight. *looks at me* Right?"
Me: *totally not paying attention* "Uh, yeah, yeah, right."
Church dude: *speechless in shock and horror*

(Later that week)
Mom: "Mary...there's a rumor going around that you spent the night with (Guy)."
Me: "WHAT!?"
Mom: "Well, (Church dude) came up to me and asked me if I knew that you had been camping with---"
Me: "Whoooooa, whoa whoa whoa.  Back up here.  WHAT!?"
Mom: "I set him straight on it.  (Church dude) has been reassured so that he knows you're not that kind of girl.  I think you need to be more careful around (Guy), because if he's going to give people that kind of impression of you, that's a warning sign."
Me: "Gee, you think?"

Now, some girls might laugh and go, "Oh, but it's funny!  What a delightful mishap!  Come, let us giggle while shimmying out of our thongs!"
Well, fine and good for girls like that, but when you've had false rumors of whore-ness about you floating around the church since you were 12, and those rumors tended to be believed as if they'd come from God Himself, you tend to be a bit sensitive about any attack on the fragile reputation that you've managed to hang onto.  If you're the kind of person who thinks one-night stands and ho skirts are par for the course, well, ok then.  But I'm a pretty good girl, and I really take it personally when someone deliberately tries to smear that.
That might be hard to understand.  I get it.  Good girls are pretty much reviled in society now anyway.  We're the freaks, see; the weirdos, the "prudes," and the "teases."  Apparently, being a slut isn't just trendy, it's the only choice available for the gal that wants to be accepted by her peers.  In a society that's supposed to be incredibly open to individual choice, it's a sad day that my generation--thanks to the "sexual revolution" and devaluing of relationships of our acid-tripping parents of 60's Woodstock lore--has replaced the modest virgin with the herpes-ridden slut as its goddess. 

Frankly, I'm disgusted.  At 19, I wasn't disgusted, but I had an inkling.  I'm 21 now; the blinders are finally all the way off, and I am absolutely horrified at the way my generation is acting.  I hate it.  I hate it, and I want the behavior gone without a trace. I want my grandmother's life, back when people knew what was important: home, trust, love, God, family, and country.  All these young people, sleeping around with no thought to it, and then they wonder why they're sad and unfulfilled.  It's no mystery to me.  And what a blessing that I discovered it now, before I'd made any real mistakes; and what a curse that so many of my generation still remain oblivious--and on Prozac.

Ok.  Back to Guy.

So that pissed me off pretty badly.  It took a while more to get me to the point of losing all patience, though.  Had to be done (no, I didn't hit the creepy obnoxious little jerk, relax).
Anyway, the whole point is that it's pretty hard to find a guy my age who isn't a jerk, regardless of religion, hair color, or whatever minute defining characteristics that are supposed to have any kind of effect on the personality.
I keep saying I should try older, but there's not a whole lot of single men (half my age + 7 would be 37; er, 38ish) who aren't single for a really good reason.  Sure, there's exceptions, but I just have to point that out.

Next portion of crazy:

So I find myself with a remarkable amount of insomnia, looking for spiritual guidance.  I'm considering Catholicism, but that might be a bad move, in light of the new Thought Crime law that passed.  Don't get me wrong, I'm very much against gay-bashing.  But I take a serious issue with this kind of logic:

"Hmm.  The gays are offended because most of the religions in the country don't think their lifestyle is stellar.  What should we do?"
"Hrrrm.  Well, obviously we should censor the religons.  It's not as if a silly thing like religious freedom is protected in the Constitution or anything, right?"

Look, again, I don't like gay-bashing.  I am most definitely against it.  But seriously, creating a protected class and all the preferential treatment that goes along with it isn't even close to being actual equality.
I've had people tell me to my face that they don't like Latinos or black people, only to have me respond with, "My father was Latino/Filipino."
In the instance that first comes to mind, the person in question looked me up and down for a moment, then said, "Well, you can't tell, so it's ok."

Was I hurt?  Yep, even though I don't associate my father as being a good example of Latino culture.  But did I throw a hissy fit and demand that every single person censor themselves to avoid bringing up any topic that involved what very little touch of olive skin tone (I don't tan anymore) I have?
Absolutely not.  They have the right to say and think what they want, no matter how hurtful it is.  That's freedom of speech.  They can say that interracial marriages are a bad thing according to their religion; and while that's unfair, it's still freedom of religion.  It is not a hate crime.
Now, if they had beaten the crap out of me upon discovering that my father wasn't the right shade of beige for their taste, that would be a hate crime.  Black kids beating up a white kid because he's white, that's a hate crime.  A gay guy or gal getting beaten up because they're gay, that's a hate crime.  White supremacist loonies (what few there are) beating up a black person because they're black, also a hate crime. I could go on and on.

The freedom to sit in a church and listen to a pastor say that gays are unclean?  While it's not what I'd call a nice opinion to listen to or share, it's a right.  It's a freedom, ok?  No stepping on the freedoms.  I don't care how many people's feelings are hurt by what Mr A or Mrs B said.  The point is, if you support anything, and I mean anything, that takes freedoms away from law-abiding American citizens because your feelings got hurt, you should be ashamed of yourself.  Seriously, grow up.
The thing is, I could get bombarded with three million comments about "I had suchandsuch bad experience with a Christian who didn't greet my gay lifestyle with open arms" and it still wouldn't change my opinion.  Did they hit you?  Did they actually assault you, or did they just say something?  Well, if they didn't hit you, then I guess that would mean that they didn't actually hurt you, therefore it's not a hate crime.

Do words sting?  Absolutely.  Is it unfair?  Hell yes.
But words themselves do not make you a victim.  I fail to see what's empowering about living with a victim mentality. No matter what opinion you have, no matter what lifestyle you lead, if you express it or live it openly, someone will be offended by it.  Garanteed.

If you're reading this and you got angry right about the time I said that being a slut is bad or that religions that take a non-violent-but-merely-disapproving-stance on homosexuality should be left quite alone, you're the perfect example of the kind of person I'm talking about.  See, I stated my opinion, and you got offended by it.  But did my opinion reach through the computer screen and beat you about the face?  Did it really do anything but offend your delicate sensibilities?
The answer is no.
And if you're writing an angry comment to me right now, you're exercising your freedom of speech without a single thought, but you didn't even take a moment to consider that stating my opinion is also freedom of speech.  You probably want me to take down the post, because it offends you.  You want me to shut up and go away.
But I had freedom of speech too.  And just a few months ago, so did millions of other people.  You, and people like you, have willfully and unashamedly taken that away from your fellow man.
You have also taken it from yourself.  Reap the consequences along with me and the rest of the country, but don't complain--you wanted it.  Every single thing that is causing trouble right now: the failed stimulus, the healthcare bills, the RFID chip, the Thought Crime bill, everything.
You voted for it.  I did not.
Guess who really has the right to complain about an oppressive government and fascism; here's a hint, it's definitely not the people who supported the oppressive government and glorified the fascism in the first place.

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Listening to: Unsuccessfully Coping With the Natural Beauty of Infidelity - Type O Negative
via FoxyTunes   

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Listening to: All Hallow's Eve - Type O Negative
via FoxyTunes   
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Listening to: Life Is Killing Me - Type O Negative
via FoxyTunes   
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Listening to: These Three Things - Type O Negative
via FoxyTunes   
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Listening to: Dead Again - Type O Negative
via FoxyTunes   

Oh, my god.

What is UP with all the conservative-haters out there!?

I'm a conservative.  I was extremely liberal in high school, but then I realized that I disagreed with a lot of the liberal viewpoints and now identify as Libertarian, if not a sort of centrist Republican.  See, that was my choice.  Because I do have one.  But some people would prefer that I didn't.  Gee, thanks.  You know, they have a word for societies that demand you vote a certain way or else risk personal or even physical attacks upon yourself or your family.

I keep seeing stupid crap like liberals saying that Obama shouldn't be criticized.  Um, hello?  Presidents need to be criticized when they do something wrong.  Just because you think the stimulus bill is a super-duper idea, doesn't mean I do.

And it also means that I can say so, and I shouldn't be pounced on by people screaming "Off with her head!"

Oh, it gets better.  If I say I'm conservative, people automatically assume that I'm homophobic, racist, or just plain stupid.

I'm not stupid.

I'm not homophobic.

I'm not racist.

That last one comes up a lot in discussing Obama.  Suuuuure.  I couldn't possibly just be disagreeing with his politics, because apparently I'm just "ZOMFG RACISSTT!!"

I disagreed with Bush's politics at some points.  And apparently that was just fine, because he was Whitey and as we all know, Whitey is to blame for everyfuckingthing.  So basically, people who claim that white people are bad and black people are good, then turn around and say "but we're all just people and shouldn't be judged on our skin color" are being hypocrites.  No race or skin color is "better."  And it does not make a politician any less of a politician if his skin color is Polished Mohogany vs being Polished Teak.

I really don't care what color, gender, or sexual orientation my president is, ok?  I think that if he or she does something I disagree with, I have a right to say so.

And frankly, I believe that anyone who tries to take away my freedom of speech, or my rights to protect myself and my loved ones with a gun, or my rights to salute my country's flag, or my rights to vote in a fair democracy, or my rights to seek out alternative remedies to mainstream medicine, is the very antithesis of what Land Of The Free is supposed to be.  Someone who claims that my Constitutional rights somehow infringe theirs, and therefore my rights should be taken away in the name of equality... is very wrong.

Sure, I think [insert your favorite pork project here] should be supported.  But look, the people in Washington get paid a lot more than we (middleclass and therefore most of America) do.  So instead of taxing us for this riduculous spending, why don't they just pay out of their own pocket!

I kow, I know.  You'd love to leave me flaming comments now because you only read about halfway down the page.
*sigh*

However...I'm going to exercise my rights to not give a fuck about your opinion (since you don't give a fuck about mine) and disable comments.  There, you see?  Now we're all happy.  I don't have to listen to you, and you still get to rant about how evil I am to other people.

I drew House.  Because I'm a hopeless fangirl.
I used a picture I got off the 'net for a reference since I have a really hard time just freehanding everything from memory.
You can see it here: CLICK

I found this survey thing on Myspace, and since I'm the kind of person that will post one, I'm putting it here too.
DISCLAIMER: Just because I'm cynical and remain unimpressed with most things, doesn't mean I'm jaded.  I am bitter, dammit.  Get it right, people! :p  Anyway, so basically, don't get offended at anything here; it's not dogma or anything, it's just my opinion.


[1] Who is the last person of the opposite sex you had a conversation with?
Uh, let's see...I got an email from Kyle.

[2] Where is the last place you went out to eat?
And All That Jazz Cafe.  Mmmm, fish and chips.

[3] What was the last beverage you consumed?
Soy milk.  Which, by the way, is much yummier than it sounds.

[4] Thoughts at this moment?
"Hmm.  Since it's Sunday, I should send in that review that...wait.  It's the 28th, and the review was due...OH CRAP!!!  Open email...send send send why won't it send faster!?"


[5] Do you bite your lips a lot?
I have a tendency to press them together while thinking.  Constantly.


[6] What is more essential - a pretty face or a great body?
I dunno about "essential".  There's this old client of my grandma's who married a guy who doesn't have either.  I think both is nice, but I dunno.  It's hard to answer a question like that without meandering into shallow bitchiness.

[7] Medicine, fine arts, law ,or military?
If I had 300 years to live, I'd do all of those careers, but I picked medicine.

[8] What do you like on your pizza?
Pepperoni, mushrooms, olives, and cheese.

[9] Favorite drink?
I'm partial to fizzy fruit juice drinks. 

[10] Do you miss anyone?
Yep.  Hamster.

[11] What were you doing at 10 PM on Saturday night?
Situps.

[12] Who do you hate?
Paris Hilton,
Hillary Clinton,
people who are so deluded as to think that the Hellboy and X-Men movies were NOT the best comic-to-movie adaptations EVER and that the others are NOT unadulterated over-Hollywooded crap,
stupid people,
rappers who think it's fine to call women bitches and hos because "it's a cultural thing",
people who justify whining about themselves without making any effort to fix themselves with the words "I just don't feel like it",
really tiny dogs who bark ALL the time,
annoying neighbors,
people who pick on others to make themselves feel superior,
and about eleven million other things that I can't type or else I'll get carpal tunnel, so yeah.


[13] Who was the last person you had in your room?
*snort* Me, obviously.


[14] Is your room clean?
Nope.


[15] Can you speak another language?
Yeah, it's called Weird-ese.  It's only spoken by people with imagination.


[16] What are you going to do tomorrow?
Work out, read some more of my school book, hopefully remember about some other things, etc etc.


[17] What is in store for your future?
I dunno, but I sure hope it involves a bazooka and the words, "Ok Mary, you have free reign over the battlefield, so let 'em have it..."


[18] Who was the last band you saw live?
N/A

[19] When was the last time you danced?
I don't dance.  There's a very good reason for this.  I look like an idiot.

[20] Can you do the splits?
Yep.

[21] Last person you talked to on the phone?
My aunt in TX.

[22] When was the last time you purchased something over $500?
I did not personally purchase it, but it was my camera.  Graduation gift. 

[23] Any tattoos?
Sadly, no.

[24] Favorite color?
Red.

[25] Who is your favorite person to have a serious conversation with?
Rachel, possibly.

[26] Who was driving the last time you were in a car?
My mom.


[27] Where do you want to go?
Library.

[28] What are you wearing?
A Velvet Revolver concert shirt in a man's XL size.  Thing's like a frickin' dress.

[29] Last movie you saw?
Electra.

[30] What did you do today?
Posted on LJ and meandered on the internet, worked out, read some more of a school book...yeah.

[31] Who was the last person to IM you?
I can't remember.

[32] How many tickets do you have?
Huh?

[33] How many kids do you want to have?
None.

[34] Worried about anything?
I worry about everything, it's my special talent.

[35] Why are you doing this survey?
Because I have a strange compulsion to answer pointless questions, sometimes in a deeply sarcastic way.

[36] Who was the last person to call you?
Again, my aunt in TX.

[37] Who did you last text?
N/A

[38] Have you ever done yoga?
Yep!

[39] What does your 12th text message say?
N/A

[40] What are you craving?
Ice cream, pizza, cheese puffs, and fried chicken.  Yes, I'm dieting, how could you tell?

[41] What's the closest red thing to you?
My hair.

[42] What are you going to do after this?
I might try to go to bed.

[43] What are you listening to?
Crickets.

[44] When did you last swallow a pill?
Today.

[45] Do you like anyone?
Oh, for crying out loud...

I used to do everything from yard work for people in the neighborhood, to a few stints as a babysitter.  I was always scheming some way to find a new job for a little pocket money--I was always proud of myself if I stuck with something and got a dollar or two.  My mother and I were poor as the proverbial church mice for many years, so I definitely know the value of a dollar and tend to shop thrifty most of the time.  I think that part of my childhood gave me some good values.  If I wanted something, I had to earn it, and that is a lesson that really sticks with ya.  I'm actually a bit proud of that.  I recently bought a CD I wanted--and not only did I get it for a low price, but I am able to pay for it myself; and that's one of the kinds of things that puts a perk in my day! :)

A huge new age shop. :)